Beauty For Ashes…..Strength For Fear….

Wow! God totally rocked my world @ Camp. Im going to share a little story so  please bear with me. Back in April I was @ choir practice and God prompted me during prayer to lift up my parents marriage. I felt this overwhelming burden for them and knew that something life changing had happened. I was crying for them & I  didnt know why……..

Senior trip was coming up & I had gotten the time off to go.I was really excited and then God all of a sudden God told me to go to my parents home instead. I was like really?…really? Right now? He was like “yup”.  Esohe had asked me one day why arent you going? You have the time off? I  replied, “Something is going to happen that will make or break alot of things in my life, I dont know what it is yet…but Im going to go find out.”So instead of going to Sr. Trip I went to my parents home.

 It was about 2am on Friday when I realized the home phone wasn’t working. Thats weird I thought. My moms not home either which is super weird. So I decided to stay up until she came home.Tried her cell…no answer.Weird again.As soon as my mom had gotten home she said “we need to talk”. It was that 1 tone which signifies something life altering is going to be said. I sat on the couch & prayed that God would prepare my heart for whatever was to be said. She said back in April your dad decided to leave & not come back….Im filing for Divorce. The tears to started to stream down my face. I started to question her & asked why and if they had gotten in a fight & how he could just neglect & abuse us for 22 years and just sweep all the dirt and hurt under the carpet & leave through the front door. I needed to be alone …I needed to be with Jesus.

God prepared me for such a time as this. To come to the desert & to be with my heavenly father & go home & find out that my earthly one is just gone. He has healed my heart from my own past & pains to now heal with my family. He reminded me of a verse in Jeremiah that says.”I remember the devotion of your youth how as a bride you loved me & followed me through the desert”. He then gave me Joel 2:25…I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten.

My mom had asked me to come & move back home ASAP. I  was ready to leave on July 13th, the day of the Mc grad to head back home w/ Ciera & my home church. I thought it was my reponsibility, my duty as the eldest….my obligation.My family is my first ministry and if my mom says she needs me I am willing to drop everything to help. So I was getting everything ready. Put in a months notice @ work, was loooking for someone to take over my lease…etc…etc.

A week before camp God put on my heart the verse in Phil. that says not to look back but to move forward toward the goal which is heavenward…which is Jesus. I know this sounds silly but I didnt know that Pator Ricardo wrote that song. So when I went to camp & he was speaking on that very topic I was blown away. I still didnt know if me moving forward was in CA or AZ…..so I prayed. God told me that I was not to go back to the vomit in my life …that he has established my steps in AZ & because of his firm foundation I will not be moved. He told me that me moving forward in who I am…in who He has created for me to be was not for me to move back & be in the midst of chaos when his desire is to give me peace.

It was starting to become my burden. The phone calls about the police needing to be called because your dad showed up @ the house and was going to fight your brother, the calls about going to get a restraining order gainst your dad,the calls that said your mom is crazy & I dont like your brother,Im staying at your aunts and am moving to Laguna….all of it…..I had to surrender. I cant fix it… I cant…I am not the holy spirit and I can not change this situation.

I will not take a step unless I know that God is there. Hes here for me…this is where He wants me @ this given time. Despite all the chaos this is what brings me peace.

New Seasons….

So another year has passed & yet again the number in my years of living has changed as well. 21 has come & gone like a vapor in the wind.A new season has begun. Another year of trials,joys,pains ….life. Im so thankful that God has,will, & will continue to be there through it all. New songs will be birthed,new people will be met,& I pray that this year I grow more intimate with my papa like never before.

HOW COULD YOU EVER DENY OR DOUBT THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR YOU?
I FORMED YOU BEFORE TIME BEGAN & HAVE SEEN THE TEARS BEFORE THEY WERE SHED.
O’ DAUGHTER MY DESIRE IS TO MERELY SPEND TIME WITH YOU
WHEN YOU WERE ALL ALONE IN YOUR ROOM & WEPT….I WAS THERE
WHEN THE HARSH WORDS SPOKEN TOWARDS YOU PIERCED YOUR HEART….I WAS THERE
WHEN YOU THOUGHT NO ONE CARED…I WAS THERE
TO LOVE YOU THROUGH & THROUGH
TO HEAL YOUR HEART & MAKE YOU NEW
O’ DAUGHTER HOW I LOVE YOU
-JESUS

Living Hallelujah by Sarah Kelly

Who am I?
That You came to earth for me
To die on a tree?
Who are you?
Son of man, Son of God
Yes, I believe it’s true
More than words I bring to You
May all I say and may all I do be

CHORUS
Hallelujah, hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah to my King
Hallelujah, hallelujah
May everything about me be hallelujah

All of me
I surrender completely
Take control
I want all of You
So I’m letting go

I am healed and I’m forgiven
I am free because I’m living

CHORUS

It’s all so clear, it’s all so clear
I was born to worship

Hallelujah, hallelujah
May everything about me be hallelujah

WOW……I pray that everything about me…..would be HALLELUJAH to MY KING!

The Bride of Christ

A bride on her wedding day takes the utmost care & time to prepare herself for her groom.From head to toe,from her clothing to her scent.She is estatic for the day she will say I do and spend the rest of her days with her husband to be.Are we that way with our Savior,our Redeemer,our Maker????Do we get excited for the day that we will see our Papa face to face?Do we daily clothe ourselves in Righteousness & put on the Fragrance of Christ?God was, is and will continue to be the ultimate gentlemen.He knocked on the door of your heart.He didnt push it open,he didnt bang on it, he knocked….he waited. Girls: You deserve to be wooed and pursued.Beautiful things come to those who wait and all things are made beautiful in His timing.Wait for it…..wait for it ; )

Shelter

Im tired and confused about some of the things that I am suppose to do. Yet I know that @ any given time I can boldly enter His throne room of grace. I can talk to my Papa freely @ anytime and on any day. I want the faith I had as a child. The trust was without doubt. There were no questions to ask because I merely knew that God had the best intentions and plans for my life.

Noah was given so many different instructions and requirements for what he was to do. Not once did he ask why, he just obeyed and knew that God was in total control of each and every situation. There are some decisions I have made that I never thought I would. But I decided I need to venture out in faith and believe in the unbelievable. Its time. Time for me to cling to my Jesus like never before and hide in the shelter of His wings…… there is no better place than to be with Him face to face.

03.10.08

Exhaustion in another Dimension

Here in the world of Matrix(aka…my job) days are pretty chaotic but the time seems to go by like a slug climbing up a tree.Yesterday I spoke with 350 Claimants……wow is right.My heads seems to be disinigrating by the day…haha.Good news is I am getting promoted…wooooohooo!Monday is my 6months …happy anniversary to me…jk.

03.04.08

Praise Him!!!

I want to be like Job. I want to praise God despite the circumstance.Despite the struggle,despite the pain,depite the hurt,despite the ailment.He is so worthy to be praised.Even though I wasn’t able to go to church tonight and worship w/ the brethren.I can still treasure my Jesus right here…right now.In the midst of my trial….I can cry out and He hears me.He always listens,always understands,always comforts,always protects,always loves…..

I cry out for your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak and I need your love to free me
O Lord….my Rock
My strength….in weakness
Come rescue me…O Lord
For you are my hope
Your promise never fails me
And my desire,is to follow you forever

For you are good,for you are good
For you are good to me(2x’s)

02.26.08

Hidden Treaure…my Life & the Fullness thereof.

I sit here in solace,contemplating the high level of vulnerability I feel whenever I write out my heart via blog.Some may use the word fear…..I prefer to use the word guard. I love spending time w/ my Jesus and the more and more I do the more intimate we become……which I love.I want to treasure him,everyday in everyway.Lately Ive been re-evluating the time I spend and how I spend it…so important.I realized that I spend approximately 90% with people and 10% in my alone time w/ God…no bueno. I don’t ever want to do so much for God that I don’t spend enough time w/Him.Just being w/him,just sitting @ his feet,just spending time w/him.I need ,need ,need to get inpoured before I ever expect to outpour and be an example of Jesus to others.Its by his strength alone.The need for companionship is so strong.The need for someone else to join me in this journey is sometimes so overwhelming….not gonna lie…haha.Be content in all things the Spirit whispers,I will never leave you nor forsake you,I am with you always,my grace is sufficcient.my mercy is new everyday,beauty for ashes,strength for fear,gladness for mourning,peace for despair,my strength is made perfect in weakness,so I trek ahead…trying to forget those things which are behind and moving ahead toward the upward goal…..Christ Jesus.

Clay

Have you ever asked yourself the question….What kind of Clay am I? I did the other day. I was wondering if I was hard,soft,moldable,shapeable…etc. WIKI:Clay is a naturally occurring material, composed primarily of fine-grained minerals, which show plasticity through a variable range of water content, and which can be hardened when dried or fired.There are a few key words that interested me in this definition: The primary component of Clay….MINERALS. What came to mind: Creation.God poured in us his breathe of life…and used a little dirt along the way.PLASTICITY:Willingness: Am I willing to be stretched in areas that may hurt, am I willing to let God use me in the ways that He desires and not just the ways that appeal or attract to me.WATER CONTENT: Am I filled to the brim or overflowing?What type of piece am I. I think I’d like to be a fountain with unlimited amounts of water….

02.19.08

S.O.S

Crossroads,crossroads where do I go from here
Do I breakdown,breakdown let go of all my fears.

Lost and alone no way to go home its midnight
No one in sight
Shadows lurking,birds are chirping,I’m running
Someones chasing
Battered and bruised left as a fool,I’m dying
Is he still there??

I cry out for help am I not loud enough?
I cry out for help can’t even see a face
I cry out for help but theres none
Can I have some….help

Scarred and scared I walk home who
Do I talk too?
Will they listen….
Pregnant and thrown out on my own
Im angry
Will someone save me….

Just believe and you will be healed…

I cry out for help am I not loud enough
I cry out for help can’t even see a face
I cry out for help now I have some
I found Jesus….He freed us
He healed me….completely

I found help

Dedicated to CPC Ministries and all the women
who have have found themselves in this situation.
May you find Peace & Rest this day…

01.28.08